I am so fat and ugly and minging and disgusting and huge and horrible looking in every possible way.
I think i hate myself.
I wish i would just stop eating altogether...but i couldn't even manage that if i really wanted to.
Half of my clothes don't fit me properly.
I really don't understand how my boyfriend can bear to touch me with my clothes on leave alone anything else.
Just knowing that my belly and legs are there makes me feel sick and sad and my throat goes tight.
Its my own fault, and i know i seem self centred and attention seeking writing this blog.
I do like to be told nice things this is true, even when i hardly believe them but im not looking for compliments becasue i know the truth, i always have.
I wish i never had to go out or see anyone...or rather anyone see me.
Constantly trying to stand up straight, breathe in a little, just so people don't notice as much.
I know that to be keep weight off im going to have to stop eating the things i love and will struggle with this for the rest of my life.
The thought of knowing that i am more than likely going to be grotesque until i die is insurmountable.
I suck.

Yes i'm having one of them today.
I call it a fat day becasue everytime i look at myself, espcially that of the belly and legs when im sitting down or in front of a mirror i feel utterly grotesque.
However, today's is quite a calm one there's no tears or anything- i think its becasue my french oral is over and the weather is lovely lol yay.
I decided to do a bit of pamerping, seems everyone is out of the house...went in the bath exfoiliated etc. Then my usual routine of stnading infront of the mirror in my underwear to point out everyting wrong with me took place.
This usually devistates me, but today i just thought nows the time to sort yourself out. I've put on over 2 stone since last summer, and fair enough im not obese but when the summer comes i'll feel ugly and horrible and i've never been able to wear in a bikini in my life which seems minor but when your on the beach and you feel like the beached whale its not nice.
I suppose i also would like to look nice for my boyfriend, he doesn't care and likes me as i am i hope lol...but i just dont understand how a body like this could possibly turn him on. cus it wouldn't do nothing for me, well it doesnt haha.
Besdies that im in a good mood...im used to this now and well iv taken up swimming and yoga again. I also want to find a gym buddy.
i dont want to be skinny. i never will be skinny. i just dont want to be fat.
No school tomorow woo.
Also no school monday.

Out on the weekend!
lie ins and such to look forward too...i can't really complain

lol

Okay so my last blog was obviously written in high temper.
I've calmed down since then...well if im honest i've sort of been up then down then up and so on.
But currently i'm quite calm.
After everything had been getting on top of me, especially with school...yesterday i just broke down and cried becasue i couldn't cope with it all. My head was constantly feeling like it was going to implode.
I talked about everything with one of my really great teachers and she sorted everything out for me, plus my boyfriend came round in the evening and cheered my up. he's lovely fair play.
Today, iv been feeling much better was prepared (just about) for my exam tomorow.
Then something happened which i'd rather not type, its nothing major but its still making me seethe with anger and the imploding began once again.
French oral tomorow...will be so glad when it's finally over...when french itself is finally over it will be like a huge weighted lifted from my shoulders.
I'll still miss it though and want to take up a conversational class outside of school.
Indian tomorow with the girlies!! chicken tikka ohhh yes please.

Ooo yer!! i've got a new job
with Asda, its only stocking shelves but the pay is awesome.
currently waiting for my 3rd induction day so i can start raking in the cash.
ohhh the riches hehe.
Wednesday and friday evenings, and sunday days.
An actual saturday off...bloody great.
Last shift at my current job this saturday, ill miss sam and sara...we will no longer be the 3 amigo's
But its not like im neve rgoing to see them.
Me and sam are taking up yoga next week should be hysterical but at the same time relaxing and good for you.

feeling much happier.

Some people do my bloody head in.
Argh, not mentioning any names...but i just don't think we're even friends anymore. When after all the complaining i do about the way she acts with her head constantly jammed up her arse i dont know why i care. Currently any word that falls dismissivley out of her 'shit trap' is like finger nails being scratched down a chalk board.
Talk about infuriating!!!
But then again, after all gthe good times and memories, the fact we're pretty much in the same friendship group and all that jazz maybe i wasn't completely ready for it to be over.
Makes us sound like an old married couple lol.
It sort of sucks. hmph.
Although speaking of couples...my ex boyfriend another person driving me completely insane, he's just inexorably pathetic. After turning into a right dick head he thinks he's cool when in actual fact people just laugh at him.
He's basically a younger version of his mother these days. Yes she was lovely to me, but she's chain smoking alcoholic that's never given a damn about him, so she's not exactly role model of the year.
Why are men so stupid?
I do realise this is a common question to which no one has the answer.
He's been a total idiot around my current boyfriend, to which he has no right to even say anything concering my current relationship or our past one. The day he decided to turn into a twat was the day he lost any right to have a part in my life as far as im concerned.
Apart from my boyfriend being almost a foot taller than him why the hell should he wish to fight him?! (which my ex felt the need to ask me in the early hours of the morning over text).
Then storming off in the middle of hour local after introducing himself as 'the ex' and saying "no hard feelings"
FOR GOODNESS SAKE MAN!!!! get a freaking grip, its nothing to do with you.

It must be PMT's becasue im all grrr and arggh and feel like rubbish...and could really do with someone to talk about this to. Which again leads me back to the frienship that is possibly well and truly over becasue i could really talk to her.
My ex even tried to pull her! :O
So im positive she's smug about that, though why you'd be smug about your friends seconds i'm not quite sure.
My boyfriend must be fed up of me going on about her all the time but theres no one else for me to complain to.

My exams start next week, and ofcourse im under prepared, becasue thats just me a total bloody mess.
i dont do failing.
i can't deal with all this along with family members dying and feeling like the ugliest fattest most grotesque beached whale on the planet.

When i say everything, i'm possibly beingg a tad melo-dramatic but hey! that's nothing new.

*I just cant seem to shake off all this built up stress.
the money thing which i mentioned before...

*A levels are just so hard, i think i might have to give up the idea of doing french at uni becasue im not going to get the grades this year i need for conditional offers. All my efforts at anything just suck unbelievably at the moment.

*There's so much illness in my family at the moment, 2 of my uncles have cancer one of which had a stroke yesterday and another realtive died out of the blue tonight. I seem to be trying to block it out, and feel silly for being upset. how ridiculous??

*And finally, lol, the tension between me and my mother. Everything i say or do is taken the wrong way, offensivley....honestly i don't have a constant attitdue trip or anything. Im just getting complained at, nagged, bogged down by her all the time and its wearing thin.

I CAN'T COPE!

I do have great friends, and a nice boyfriend. yes i'm finally getting around to mentioning him. i didn't like to before when we were dating, then only just together. I just don't like to put all my crap on him...everything is still like new and all that jazz so wouldn't you agree it's easier to keep all that stuff separate??
bleh. i really don't know. life outside all that stuff is pretty awesome. but the thing is It's like its fine ranting on here becasue i doubt hardly anyone sees it...but i dont like to otherwise as im sure theres a load of other people dealing with bigger shit than i am right now.
i need someone to help me sort myself out...becasue i really don't think i can do it on my own.

Arggh its stressing me out and making me a right miserable cow.
Usually i'm pretty good with money, until the beginning of this year and now im like brasic! spending above my means, it's my own fault ofcourse but i cant seem to sort it out...
Because if i did, then id have to spend a whole month not going out or doing anything. i think i might have to though.
It's like bloody hell! if i can't manage myself now, im going to be screwed in uni. I am determined not for that to happen!!!
I do owe money to my parents and my brother but its not a huge amount. im going to set up an online bank account so i can check my money often where its going etc.
it'll sort itself out, aslong as i make sure it does lol.
don't need the extra worry. exams are coming up. im going to do shite, like i did in the first lot

...In a sort of metaprocial sense of the word, meaning no offence ofcourse lol.
I think maybe it's becasue i worry so much, where certain things/people are concerned.
For example today;
I started worrying a little over something silly and trivial, then began to panic and then got paranoid and totally freaked out. Then i saw what i needed to see and everything was marvellous again.
:O It's so frustrating becasue i can see myself doing it, realise im being a total fool, yet cant seem to do anything to stop myself.

I resort to telling a few close friends who (thank goodness) talk some well deserved sanity into me. It's like i have my own personal reality checkers. lol

It has obviously degenrated down on me from my mother, only she's like a gazillion times worse and it's ghey becasue i end up ruining nice things for myself because i think they are ruined anyways...when really i should keep my mouth shut and invest in a rather large stress ball or something.

To be honest, there's something inparticular i really don't want to ruin just yet, becasue it's all good and nice and im having fun and don't have a reason to get all weirdo without a beardo at the moment.
I really am trying my hardest, and for the majority of the time i don't even think about. Then occasionally something will niggle in the back of my mind, then the awful feeling in your stomach sets in and before your know its like argggh!! get a grip woman.
Bleh...i don't know what to do about it...i guess it's sort of a birth defect and/or a neurotic tendancy that i'll just have to learn to control or ignore lol.
Some help with the controlling/ignoring part would be awesome though.

Personally I love most things about the 80's, although i was neither present or even a glint in my fathers eye for the duration of it.
The Films!!! Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Gregory's Girl, Mystic Pizza, Pretty Woman, Bill and Ted...

The Muisc!! Kim Wilde, Prince, David Bowie, Oingo Boingo, Frankie goes to Hollywood, Blondie...
(sure most of these didn't start in the 80's but that's not the point lol)

BUT! The bloody fashion was horrendous!
Shell suits, ra-ra skirts, puff ball skirts, Margret Thatcher and her paded shoulder suits, scrunch socks, hideous patterned everythings, leotards...to name a few!

That's only some of it, and its just feckin ghastly!!!!!
lol.
This only goes to prove that the fashion world is totally screwed up...becasue the only 'new trends' that come out of designers so called hard graft these days are re-work retro outfits becasue they havn't the imagination to create anything new and exciting.
Don't get me wrong i'm all for the 50's/ 60's kind of thing. But how can you possibly get away with and achieve succes out of something that was utterly awful in the first place.

I'd like to ask all you fashionistas out there, If your someone who lives for the brink of cutting edge fashion, daring to stand out and be different, (while trying to look gorgeous at the same time lol)...Why on earth are you all allowing the industry to do this to us??
I'm positive it's some secret joke amongst designers to make us all look stupid, becasue people are idotic enough to do it in the name of 'style'! Whatever that is these days.
We need to rid the world of these material disasters and as soon as possible!!
ARGH!!

Rant over ^_^

I havn't blogged in a while...and not sure i have anything to talk about...well i always do ha! so i'll just babble.

Tiredness
>.<
I so need and early night. But im having lots of fun, so sleep doesn't seem that neccessary until the morning lol.
Im listening to the 'Juno' soundtrack. It's weird but totally cool. Listen!! it'll make you think.
:D happy mooosic. happy mee!

I saw circus of horrors last week...a freak show. It was great!
There was a small guy with his bits in a Henry Hoover...sword walking, acrobatics, whips...etc
Annnnd went to London! (also totally shattering)
Visited the houses of parliament, and went on the eye. Food sitting on the thames was cool ^_^

Watched Sweeny Todd in cinema, was a little disappointed, However Mr. Depp was ravenous as ever. Ooo errrr!
And finally!!! went to the fair, if only riding the waltzer counts lol.

That's enough typing for now i think

Yes, that's right last night i was so insanely drunk...iv taken to the 'apology rounds' to practically everyone i spoek to becasue i can't really remember what i said to be honest.
It's not even as if i did anything really bad...just the fact that i got so drunk i cant remember everything i said, when i really don't get like that anymore.
Grrr so disapointed in myself.
Oh well it's all over now...but i stress to you all-
don't mix your drinks where cider and whisky are concerned.